Prenup — Margaret & Zach

Prenup

We have decided to have a prenuptial agreement. While we hope that our marriage lasts forever, it is the 90s and we need to be realistic. (In fact, one woman told us that she got divorced after 21 years, which “is about as good as you can expect these days.” True story.)

We are posting our prenuptial agreement in a public forum so that we can get feedback from our friends and family, as well as ensure there are no arguments about what occurs should our marriage dissolve.

Check back often as we’re amending this page regularly, even now that we are postnup. Have a suggestion for something we should include? E-mail info@margaretandzach.com.

Here then are some of the clauses in our prenup:

Mutual understanding

  • If Margaret and Zach have a daughter, she will not be allowed to wear short shorts with writing on her backside.
  • Should Margaret and Zach have a daughter, Zach gets his own wing of the house. Should Margaret and Zach have two daughters, Zach gets his own house elsewhere on their estate.
  • When Margaret purchases a quarter ton of slate and needs to return it—again—she’s on her own.
  • Should Margaret be presiding at the Springfield Mall’s food court and be wooed—again—by a gentleman with gold chains named Romeo, Zach is ok with her pursuing him.
  • Margaret is allowed no more than three edicts a day, only one of which may be delivered after 10 p.m. (midnight on weekends).
  • Should any of Margaret and Zach’s possible offspring get arrested for DUI and cocaine possession, Margaret and Zach will not attempt to intervene on their child’s behalf via Access Hollywood.
  • Margaret is allowed encouraged to break her commitment to Zach with no repercussions should Tom Brady make a pass at her. That man must be kept happy.
  • Zach is allowed to break his commitment to Margaret with no repercussion should he be wooed by Queen Elizabeth II (it’s happened before).
  • Each time one of Zach’s and Margaret’s parents inquire about the potential for grandchildren, that possibility will be postponed by a month.
  • Margaret is allowed to spend no more than 48 hours on Christmas preparations; Zach is only allowed one two-minute rant a day about what a waste Christmas is.
  • Margaret requires at least 400 thread count on all sheets.
  • Margaret cheerfully will attend with Zach any Bruce Springsteen concert. Concerts by existing band members; former band members; or spouses, siblings, and second cousins of band members, however, will be evaluated on a per-case basis.
  • Margaret will not watch any horror movies within five hours of her bedtime lest she endure one night in which her dreams are not exclusively full of bunny rabbits and strawberries.
  • When Zach and Margaret go out to bars, Zach will no longer be allowed to refer to Margaret as “Hey designated-driver lady.”

Should the marriage dissolve

  • Zach gets complete control of this website and can add back all of the content Margaret censored.
  • Custody of any children spawned by the marriage will be split evenly between Zach and Margaret’s parents so that Zach and Margaret can get back in the scene without having kids bumming them out.
  • Friendship with Dan S. is split evenly between Margaret and Zach, with Margaret getting him on even days and Zach on odd ones.
  • Zach gets 2Amys on even days and Margaret gets 2Amys on odd days (therefore meaning Dan S. never gets 2Amys).
  • Margaret retains full custody of her law-school loans.
  • The stock portfolio will be split evenly, with Margaret getting the bottom half and Zach the top.

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